You did it.  You said "No - I won't be able to help you with this."  

Your heart sinks.  You see the look on their face and they’re disappointed. 

You resist the urge to “just kidding” and do what they want.

Now you’re home and you feel the worst knot in your stomach. 

You had to say no, right?  You’re overwhelmed, busy with so much.  But your mind says - they only needed me for half an hour, why wouldn’t I have said yes?  

What's Actually Happening When you Say No

You feel like an absolute selfish person.  Imagining yourself old and alone with no one to come to your aid because you didn’t help them with This. One. Thing.

The intense feelings that come from setting boundaries can be so overwhelming that we just go back to our regular patterns; saying yes even when you don’t want to.  

If this is you, let's break down what's happening and what to do about it.

Three Reasons You Feel Anxious After Setting a Boundary

Cultural Expectations 

If you’re a child of immigrants, and you’ve come from a culture that prided itself on taking care of others, where self sacrifice and family comes first is the norm, then helping others has been baked into your DNA.   You have grown up watching your parents, uncles, aunts, community members bend over backwards for others, often to their detriment. 

We all know that uncle who lets everyone stay at their house when they come from back home….”to help them get on their feet, beta”.  But it's been three years, and they're still there chipping away at Uncle Ji's retirement savings.

In many collectivist cultures, people who sacrifice their boundaries are seen as good, kind, even godly. Saying no, even gently, can feel like a betrayal of those values.

No wonder it feels scary.

Fear of Abandonment 

Ooh, this one’s a toughie.  You are feeling so anxious because you’re afraid that you’ll be old and alone with no one to help you.  If you say no, you'll be cut off. You fear that people might only like you because you’re always saying yes to them and you secretly wonder what happens when you say no?   Sit with this for a second. 

There are so many valid reasons for this

• You might have experienced a friendship break up

• A parent giving you silent treatment when you didn’t listen to them. 

That’ll do it. 

This is why boundary setting can trigger anxiety.

We are wired for connection, so if we’ve learned that people will disconnect from us when we say no, then we will be absolutely terrified when we do. 

You’re going against what you’re used to.  

You have a pattern of saying yes, and now you’re interrupting that pattern.  It feels foreign to you, weird, uncomfortable. . 

Our nervous systems don't like change, even when it's good for us. So it'll ring the alarm.

Just like going to the gym after not working out for a while, your muscles are going to be sore. Saying no is a new muscle. The anxiety is the body's natural response to working this muscle.

Nothing is wrong with you. You're just not used to feeling safe after setting a boundary.

What You Can Do to Calm Your Body and Mind

Self Soothe in Healthy Ways

Send a message to your anxiety that you will be okay.  

Try:

• Hugging a pillow or a person (20 seconds minimum)

• Shaking out your arms and legs

• Pushing against a wall

Examine the Evidence

This is a tool from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) called “Examining the Evidence”. 

Are you really a bad and selfish person? 

Where has this not been true?  Make a list.

Step back and take a look at how much you've helped this person. In all likelihood, you have done a LOT. This it can turn down the dial of the intense guilt we might feel.  It doesn’t always remove it, but it can lower the intensity enough for us to get through it.

Engage in Self Compassion 

This requires you to treat yourself how you would treat a friend. 

Using affirmations like

“This is hard, and I’m here for you”,

“This is making me feel anxious right now, and I can support myself through this"

Remember, this is NORMAL.  You’re not doing something wrong if you’re feeling anxious or guilty. 

One last thing

Setting boundaries is hard when no one taught you how.
It’s hard when your culture, your family, or your nervous system tells you it’s dangerous.

But the anxiety is not permanent. The guilt doesn't stay as strong. And the more you do it, the easier it will get. You've got this.

Ready for Practical Help?

If you want something you can use in the moment, I made this for you:

The Guilt Trip Neutralizer - an affordable guide ($9!) to help you cope with the guilt after you set a boundary
It’s short, practical, and has helped so many people regulate after tough boundary moments.

Need to go deeper?

Balanced Boundaries – a 4-module course with worksheets, and deeper healing work
This one’s for when you’re ready to actually change your patterns.